Make way, make way!

Comfort zone, we all have them. Mine happens to be my bed with a YouTube video playing as I curl up and just relax. Most people say it’s healthy to break out of your comfort zone, to explore the world around you, make yourself uncomfortable so you can learn to be comfortable, or something like that.

I decided today to try to break out of my little hidey-hole and go and make some sort of fun out of my day off. So I called a fellow coworker and asked if she wanted to go to Gaylord. She and her girlfriend said yes and we were off.

On the way there, we all talked of weird phenomenons that had happened to us, and whether we believed in spirits and the after life. As we wandered around Walmart, we found cute little things that made us fa -girl out of control. We laughed and shared each other’s frustrations when we could t find what we needed in the jumbled up mess of inventory. We shrugged and headed out to Taco Bell to fill our bellies, then off to Meijer we went. Did I mention that the eclipse was going on as we were roaming about? Yeah, it was pretty creepy. We only had about a 75% coverage, and whoa, the entire world around d us was a mixture of yellow and grey. Once we got to the store, we saw a couple of ladies with their fancy eclipse glasses watching from their car, feeling all classy.

We roamed about, looking at various odds and ends, and we ended up in the electronics department. I was furiously hunting for a new band for my Fitbit, since I’m in housekeeping and find myself scraping the wall. Apparently that doesn’t do too well with the Fitbit bands.

Unable to find d a band to for, I turned around and my eyes landed in the soundtrack for Moana. needless to say I freaked out and snatched it right up. My coworker and her girlfriend looked at me like I was crazy and I flashed it in front of them. “GUESS WHO’S BLARING THIS ON THE WAY HOME!”

Before I knew it, the three of us were belting out in unison “Moana, make way, make way!!” in the middle of the aisle. The man at the desk turned at looked at us like we were INSANE, and we couldn’t help but crack up.

On the way home we listen to every single track, trying to hit the high notes and giggling about the fact that the Rock can ACTUALLY sing. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t feel panicky at all today.

Ya know, if someone would have told me that breaking out of my comfort zone would be so fun, I may have done it a long time ago.

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Thus Far

Over the last month, I have noticed that I haven’t been feeling right. My mind is nothing but a storm cloud, threatening to strike when I need a moment to be happy. I have tried imagining myself in what others refer to as “happy place”, but even there the storm cloud hovers, bringing with it vengeance and anger. Even my happy place isn’t safe from the demons of depression. Yes, I’ll come out and say it: I suffer a terrible concoction of Bi Polar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, and Severe Depression. This unwanted combination is trying at times, since the depression and anxiety like to team together and make my life a living hell. Meanwhile, the Bi Polar disorder is screaming in my head “WE AREN’T HAPPY, GO BUY THINGS AND DO STUPID SHIT THAT WILL ULTIMATELY RUIN YOUR LIFE, BUT HEY IT FELT GOOD AT THE TIME”.

I know your first thoughts, “go to therapy”. As much as I would love to, I work midnights and I don’t know of any therapists in my area that are open 24/7.
You’re probably thinking “What about medication?”. You see we have tried medication. It’s become apparent to me that whatever is going on upstairs, medications only aggravate it. No, that is not just another excuse to not get treated. I’ve tried many medications. Most made me shaky, made me not hungry to the point I lost a lot of weight, and some even made me suicidal. No thanks, not about that life again.

To those that are not judgmental, you’d probably like to know how I’ve gotten along with no help of medications. My friend, I’d like to know that as well. How in the world have I made it this far without crumbling to bits and giving up? I don’t even know. What I do know is that learning things about yourself is a wonderful thing.

The things I have learned thus far:
~Music from the time of The Beatles is essential if I am to get through whatever the upstairs decides to throw my way.
~If the sun is shining, there’s always something that Pig can capture to remind me that life is beautiful.
~I need to accept that people see good in me. The upstairs is what sees the bad.
~I don’t need to be perfect, in fact, my imperfections are kinda nifty.
~Positive is good, I need more of that.
~Arrows are somehow very empowering to me. Don’t ask me why, but when I see an arrow, I’m driven to do my best.
~Spoken word poetry is a gateway to happiness. I refuse to go one day without watching either Sarah Kay or Phil Kaye.

You see, I have dug into the depths of my mind to figure out who I really am. I am happily taken by an amazing man, I’m a mother to my two wonderful children, I’m a hard worker, and I’m a loving daughter. But on top of that, I’m a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I’m a woman, and if you dare tell me that God would be displeased with whatever I decide to do with my body, just know that I’m agnostic. Your threats of your supreme being do not scare me, because it is not my supreme being. I love and accept everyone that comes into my life for how they truly are, and if I get confused, I ask for more time to learn about things.

I used to have these dreams where I’d wake up and the world was dark. Stars would twinkle all around me, leaving no doubts that I was in space with my feet planted firmly on the ground. I’d spin as fast as I could, watching the stars slowly attach themselves to my body until I was dusted head to toe with twinkling lights. The stars replaced every inch of skin and soon, I began dancing. A mixture of Virgo and Libra, I formed a new constellation. The more I danced, the less fear I felt. I’d dance for years, sometimes centuries would pass. When I came back to earth, I was in my star skin. My family was beaming as they hugged me, telling me my inner beauty has finally reached the surface. There was no anger, no sadness, no second guessing. I finally became who I was intended to be.

I’ll get there one day, I just have to take one starlit step at a time.

 

As an added bonus, my favorite Spoken Word Poet performing my favorite poem:

4 AM

A lot happens at 4 am, usually I arrive home, change from my work clothes into pajamas, turn on YouTube and I’m on my way to winding down. However, lately that hasn’t been the case. 

YouTube plays in the background while I am slowly spacing in and out, as if I’m slipping from my skin, in search of answers to questions I haven’t even asked yet. I question my purpose, and wonder if I’m slowly losing my mind. 

At 4 am I refuse to find my reflection in the mirror to the left of my bed. 4 am is not the hour to admire your appearance. 4 am shows all the worry lines and dark circles, the redness in your cheeks from giving your all on your shift, it shows the worry in your eyes because you said the wrong thing when you meant something different. No, 4 am seems to be the hour of over thinking and wondering. 

I come back to earth, glancing at the man sleeping next to me. Tears threaten to break through and flow down my cheeks as I wonder how he does it. How does he handle someone like me? My constant snarky commentary, my constant need to be accepted, and my inability to ignore the hurtful things people throw my way. He watches my panic state while I figure up bills, even though we both know that our income is enough to pull through with extra each month. That’s just another thing I do, worry too much. 

His alarm will go off in an hour, yanking him from his slumber to send him off to work once more. He does it with no complaint. He turns slightly but doesn’t wake. Thank goodness, I’d hate for him to see me without the mask I put on daily. I pretend to be in control, when really there’s a storm brewing in my mind that never seems to calm. Between the constant worries and stress, I’m surprised I haven’t lost all my hair. 

I tell myself that one day things will be different, one day I won’t be as stressed and I’ll be able to ignore the hurtful things people throw my way. One day I’ll come home and be able to fall asleep without my mind roaming the world for knowledge that isn’t meant for me to know. Until that day I still come home and sit in bed until the alarm sounds, waking my boyfriend and ending my day. Until then, I’ll avoid mirrors and lose myself in thoughts at 4 am.