Lack of…

I feel like my life is stuck on this endless loop of eat, sleep, and work. And that’s when I don’t have the kids running around. Pig sits patiently waiting for the moment we can run around and find wonderful moments. I hate to break it to her, but she has to wait some more.

With the hustle and bustle of life, I just can’t find time or motivation to run around and capture moments with her. Luckily Pig is just a camera, but I still feel bad. On days off I’d rather lounge around the house in pajamas while eating unhealthy but delicious food while browsing Facebook, pretending like I give a damn about the on going of the people I follow. Oh, you’re working today, that sucks. Oh no, you’re not getting along with the on again off again boyfriend, shucks. Wow, little Timmy just took his first turn towards big boy-hood by going boom boom in the toilet; you must be so proud.

I know that makes me sound heartless, and some days I just really am. Other days it’s just too difficult to be a normal person in every day life, I’d rather be in my comfiest pair of pajamas with a good book, blog, or podcast. I don’t get how people can be go-go-go all the time. That shit is exhausting.

Which brings me back to Pig, sitting proudly in front of her journal, twiddling her imaginary thumbs. Pigs job is easy, capture the moment. She doesn’t have to change her dial, hunt for the shot, make sure we are close enough for the shot. No, she just captures the moment. Like I said before, shits exhausting.

One day my motivation will come back. Until then I’m going to kick my feet up, pop in my headphones and binge Cold Coffee, or Conversations With People Who Hate Me. Pig will understand.

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Thus Far

Over the last month, I have noticed that I haven’t been feeling right. My mind is nothing but a storm cloud, threatening to strike when I need a moment to be happy. I have tried imagining myself in what others refer to as “happy place”, but even there the storm cloud hovers, bringing with it vengeance and anger. Even my happy place isn’t safe from the demons of depression. Yes, I’ll come out and say it: I suffer a terrible concoction of Bi Polar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, and Severe Depression. This unwanted combination is trying at times, since the depression and anxiety like to team together and make my life a living hell. Meanwhile, the Bi Polar disorder is screaming in my head “WE AREN’T HAPPY, GO BUY THINGS AND DO STUPID SHIT THAT WILL ULTIMATELY RUIN YOUR LIFE, BUT HEY IT FELT GOOD AT THE TIME”.

I know your first thoughts, “go to therapy”. As much as I would love to, I work midnights and I don’t know of any therapists in my area that are open 24/7.
You’re probably thinking “What about medication?”. You see we have tried medication. It’s become apparent to me that whatever is going on upstairs, medications only aggravate it. No, that is not just another excuse to not get treated. I’ve tried many medications. Most made me shaky, made me not hungry to the point I lost a lot of weight, and some even made me suicidal. No thanks, not about that life again.

To those that are not judgmental, you’d probably like to know how I’ve gotten along with no help of medications. My friend, I’d like to know that as well. How in the world have I made it this far without crumbling to bits and giving up? I don’t even know. What I do know is that learning things about yourself is a wonderful thing.

The things I have learned thus far:
~Music from the time of The Beatles is essential if I am to get through whatever the upstairs decides to throw my way.
~If the sun is shining, there’s always something that Pig can capture to remind me that life is beautiful.
~I need to accept that people see good in me. The upstairs is what sees the bad.
~I don’t need to be perfect, in fact, my imperfections are kinda nifty.
~Positive is good, I need more of that.
~Arrows are somehow very empowering to me. Don’t ask me why, but when I see an arrow, I’m driven to do my best.
~Spoken word poetry is a gateway to happiness. I refuse to go one day without watching either Sarah Kay or Phil Kaye.

You see, I have dug into the depths of my mind to figure out who I really am. I am happily taken by an amazing man, I’m a mother to my two wonderful children, I’m a hard worker, and I’m a loving daughter. But on top of that, I’m a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I’m a woman, and if you dare tell me that God would be displeased with whatever I decide to do with my body, just know that I’m agnostic. Your threats of your supreme being do not scare me, because it is not my supreme being. I love and accept everyone that comes into my life for how they truly are, and if I get confused, I ask for more time to learn about things.

I used to have these dreams where I’d wake up and the world was dark. Stars would twinkle all around me, leaving no doubts that I was in space with my feet planted firmly on the ground. I’d spin as fast as I could, watching the stars slowly attach themselves to my body until I was dusted head to toe with twinkling lights. The stars replaced every inch of skin and soon, I began dancing. A mixture of Virgo and Libra, I formed a new constellation. The more I danced, the less fear I felt. I’d dance for years, sometimes centuries would pass. When I came back to earth, I was in my star skin. My family was beaming as they hugged me, telling me my inner beauty has finally reached the surface. There was no anger, no sadness, no second guessing. I finally became who I was intended to be.

I’ll get there one day, I just have to take one starlit step at a time.

 

As an added bonus, my favorite Spoken Word Poet performing my favorite poem:

Patience, Pig

I can hear the wind blow outside, making the loose snow collide with my window. Even though the snow is but a fine dust, it’s enough to keep me awake. I turn on my side, locking my gaze on the pink Instax mini that I received as a graduation present.
“Summer is almost here, Pig,” I think to myself, almost as if I’m speaking to my camera. “We just have to be patient.” Laughter pours from my television, signaling that Youtube is cycling through videos, hoping someone is watching.

I don’t like the winter as it is difficult to learn with Pig. There are certain lighting settings to make your pictures darker or lighter than what Pig decides, and special tricks to make sure that the pictures aren’t over exposed. It’s also extremely difficult to capture the beauty of winter when the snow is mixed with road salt and sand, turning the pure white snow to an ugly greenish brown. No, the prime time for learning how Pig operates is summer, that way we are both prepared for autumn.

Pig and I have learned that it’s easy to say summer is just around the corner, but we know what we really mean. Summer is for wandering, finding beauty around every corner. It’s for early morning dew, measuring the blooms of the apple trees through Pig’s lens, and breathtaking sunsets that she tries to capture. It’s for a black bikini covered by white shorts and my favorite maroon wanderlust crop top. It’s for once tanned-now paled skin begging the sun for its luminous kiss. It’s for a freckled face beaming, and blue eyes hidden by too-large sunglasses. Summer is two young children splashing carelessly in shallow waters, picnic lunches, and fresh picked strawberries. Pig knows that the summer is her time to shine. She knows her job is to capture all of the summer memories to keep me warm during the bitter cold winter.

In a sense, I’m sure she feels as though she failed me, but it’s the other way around. I let Pig down by not knowing how she works, not knowing what makes her tick. I’ve done the research and I made a promise. Pig and I have big plans this summer, and she can finally show me what she’s made of.