Enough Excuses

Well, I’ve been off for a long time. To those who stuck around, hoping for a new post, I’m sorry. I’m back now if that makes a difference.

I think I should address the elephant in the room: yes, I stopped posting. I blamed it on things like “well I’ve got nothing positive happening, and nobody wants to read about a crappy day” or “I just can’t come up with a topic, nobody wants to read a blog that’s pointless”. Excuses. I’m calling it what it is, pointless excuses. I think I owe it to myself, and really anyone that’s out there reading this, the truth of the situation.

The reason I stopped posting is that I was withdrawing from the world around me. I didn’t think anyone would understand what I was feeling, hell half of the time even I couldn’t understand what I was feeling. The only thing I knew was just that; I was feeling some emotion, and it wasn’t a pleasant one. These emotions started causing me to stop doing things. First, it hit my writing (hence the hiatus), then it was the reading, then it hit me at work. That’s when everything started snowballing out of control. Tears would fall, meals would be missed, friends would be ignored. I was falling into myself with no signs of wanting to stop.

I decided enough was enough when I had a panic attack at work, all because I allowed my thoughts to get the better of me. I addressed an issue with my boss, we came up with a plan to fix said issue, and my co-workers retaliated. They were very passive-aggressive with their retaliation, but I picked up on the irritation, and suddenly my emotions got carried away and carried me to the parking lot out to my vehicle. The only thought I had was “GO! DRIVE AWAY RIGHT NOW AND DON’T LOOK BACK!” – lucky for me I left my keys in the office. I knew at that moment there was a problem, that if it was left unattended would spiral into so much worse. A friend came over and informed me of a program that I would benefit from, and I took the steps to get into it.

I’m not writing this looking for pity, nor am I writing this to make up an excuse. The truth of it is I learned some of the most important lessons that I could have ever learned. The point of this blog, at least in the beginning, was to share my lessons with anyone who stumbled upon an entry.

I learned many lessons so far, such as mental illness is a very real thing, and can be very frightening if left unnoticed and untreated.

Just because you have a mental illness does not mean it defines you. I suffer from severe depression with “anxious thoughts”, previously diagnosed as “generalized” anxiety disorder.  My personality consists of tendencies of withdrawing, paranoid and distrusting thoughts, and self-doubt. This is where the next lesson ties in, and I cannot possibly stress this one enough. These illnesses and traits DO NOT DEFINE ME. These are merely things that I have to learn to combat through healthy coping skills.

The third bit, and this has to be the most important; YOU MATTER. Work is tearing you apart, your husband is allowing the kids to tear around the house like animals, which makes you realize “my kids are animals”, and you feel like you’re about to snap, well that means it’s past time. It’s time to put you first, it’s time to learn healthy coping skills and use them, it’s time to start structuring yourself, simple things. At the end of the day, regardless if you are having a bad day or not, the world is marching on. You need to march on too. Let go of the bad, teach yourself good things, and remember YOU MATTER.

That’s the truth. I’ll be starting to schedule my posts more regularly, and I will try to stick to that schedule.
For those that stuck around, thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t want to believe in myself.
For those of you that are going through mental illness, you are not alone. Even if you feel like you are you aren’t. If anything, leave a comment or find a way to message me, I will listen. I believe in you.

Take time to learn something new today, but don’t forget the most important thing, love yourself.

XOXO – Courtie.

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The Winds of Change

Yesterday when I woke up, I was barely content with my life. Yes, I have a job, my family is amazing, and there are good people around me that I’m lucky enough to call friends. However, there was so much I could do to just…be better.

It started with an email. I graduated from an adult education class in 2016, and during my time I met the most amazing instructor. When I had problems with my classwork, he was there ready to help. I knew I still had his email address saved somewhere, so I sent him the following.

Good morning Frank*,

I was curious to see if you had any typing classes at the lab. I’d also like to work on my phone and email communications.

That was it. I’m split between to departments at work, one relying heavily on the three skills I was hoping to work on. After about an hour, I got a reply from the new instructor stating; yes, the typing would be in the lab, while the communications could be covered under the online distance learning as “essentials of communications”. Funny enough, I had taken that course to get my high school diploma. I declined the offer of the class, but vowed to better my typing skills, and set a date to talk to my boss.

I could have left things where they were, realizing the only way to better my communication skills was through a course I already took. However, I have been known to be a stubborn individual, to the point of being considered a spaz.

So I did what I do best, I continued looking. I emailed the college in the city next to me about workshops, where I was directed to classes. I grew frustrated and gave up my hunt, and mentioned to a supervisor what I was looking for. She told me of the certificate programs that her son did at another college, and suggested I look into it. I decided I’d give it a try, and immediately started browsing the website.

Before I knew it, I was filling out an application for the community college’s fully online accountant clerk specialist program. Everything I had been looking for in a program that I seemed to find myself searching at other colleges.

I’m set to start classes in the fall, at which point I hope to have gained enough bravery to talk to my boss about my schedule.

 

Today’s lesson: Don’t ever stop.