Over the last month, I have noticed that I haven’t been feeling right. My mind is nothing but a storm cloud, threatening to strike when I need a moment to be happy. I have tried imagining myself in what others refer to as “happy place”, but even there the storm cloud hovers, bringing with it vengeance and anger. Even my happy place isn’t safe from the demons of depression. Yes, I’ll come out and say it: I suffer a terrible concoction of Bi Polar Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, and Severe Depression. This unwanted combination is trying at times, since the depression and anxiety like to team together and make my life a living hell. Meanwhile, the Bi Polar disorder is screaming in my head “WE AREN’T HAPPY, GO BUY THINGS AND DO STUPID SHIT THAT WILL ULTIMATELY RUIN YOUR LIFE, BUT HEY IT FELT GOOD AT THE TIME”.
I know your first thoughts, “go to therapy”. As much as I would love to, I work midnights and I don’t know of any therapists in my area that are open 24/7.
You’re probably thinking “What about medication?”. You see we have tried medication. It’s become apparent to me that whatever is going on upstairs, medications only aggravate it. No, that is not just another excuse to not get treated. I’ve tried many medications. Most made me shaky, made me not hungry to the point I lost a lot of weight, and some even made me suicidal. No thanks, not about that life again.
To those that are not judgmental, you’d probably like to know how I’ve gotten along with no help of medications. My friend, I’d like to know that as well. How in the world have I made it this far without crumbling to bits and giving up? I don’t even know. What I do know is that learning things about yourself is a wonderful thing.
The things I have learned thus far:
~Music from the time of The Beatles is essential if I am to get through whatever the upstairs decides to throw my way.
~If the sun is shining, there’s always something that Pig can capture to remind me that life is beautiful.
~I need to accept that people see good in me. The upstairs is what sees the bad.
~I don’t need to be perfect, in fact, my imperfections are kinda nifty.
~Positive is good, I need more of that.
~Arrows are somehow very empowering to me. Don’t ask me why, but when I see an arrow, I’m driven to do my best.
~Spoken word poetry is a gateway to happiness. I refuse to go one day without watching either Sarah Kay or Phil Kaye.
You see, I have dug into the depths of my mind to figure out who I really am. I am happily taken by an amazing man, I’m a mother to my two wonderful children, I’m a hard worker, and I’m a loving daughter. But on top of that, I’m a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I’m a woman, and if you dare tell me that God would be displeased with whatever I decide to do with my body, just know that I’m agnostic. Your threats of your supreme being do not scare me, because it is not my supreme being. I love and accept everyone that comes into my life for how they truly are, and if I get confused, I ask for more time to learn about things.
I used to have these dreams where I’d wake up and the world was dark. Stars would twinkle all around me, leaving no doubts that I was in space with my feet planted firmly on the ground. I’d spin as fast as I could, watching the stars slowly attach themselves to my body until I was dusted head to toe with twinkling lights. The stars replaced every inch of skin and soon, I began dancing. A mixture of Virgo and Libra, I formed a new constellation. The more I danced, the less fear I felt. I’d dance for years, sometimes centuries would pass. When I came back to earth, I was in my star skin. My family was beaming as they hugged me, telling me my inner beauty has finally reached the surface. There was no anger, no sadness, no second guessing. I finally became who I was intended to be.
I’ll get there one day, I just have to take one starlit step at a time.
As an added bonus, my favorite Spoken Word Poet performing my favorite poem: