Spilling it all.

I’ve been debating back and forth about posting this. But I guess now is the time.

Boy oh boy. Hang on to your pants, this is about to get real.

On break at work I decided to find daily habits to help guide me out of my…let’s just say funk.

Let’s rewind for a moment. I’ve been back sliding since seeking help with depression and anxiety last year around June.

When I say depression and anxiety, I’m not talking things that are cured with meditating, or waking up fucking ealry and going to exercise. To me, those are things that come after the wave has knocked me down and nearly drowned me. Those are my “recovery” things I guess.

To me, depression is forgetting to eat, forgetting to shower, forgetting to brush my teeth. Basically, I’m in such a low state that I don’t care about myself. I don’t have the care or energy to take care of myself. For me, THATS depression. Then comes the anxiety: “what do people think of someone who doesn’t care enough to take care of themselves” or “what if people think I have an eating disorder because I can’t be bothered to eat”. That’s the bitch. Not caring about yourself, yet caring how others perceive you. You care so much about it that your chest feels tight and you are on the edge of breaking down.

Okay, present time now. On break I decided to go to Pinterest for daily habits to add to my kick ass task app. I was looking for simple things, things that I may over look when funk status has been smacked upon me.

Do you know what I found? 100% completely unrealistic tasks for your every day. Such as:


Wake up early.


Okay, so many would question “what’s so wrong about that, those seem like things that would help you”. Let me explain a day during my depressive episode, and you’ll see the reason I call bullshit.

Midnight: still awake. Can’t shut my brain off long enough to fall asleep. Watch YouTube to distract brain.

3am: still awake, been half ass laughing at videos, crying at some. Hubs is going to wake up soon, maybe I should try to sleep.

3:30-4:00: finally fall asleep.

7:30: awake. Coffee, cigarette, repeat.

9:30: nap?

4:00 wake up, spend some time with family.

9:00: watch YouTube til hubs falls asleep, repeat cycle.

Now. What are three things you notice I didn’t mention? Eating. Basic hygiene. Changing from pajamas. This is my life during a depressive spin. I do not care about myself during this time to be a human.

So obviously, this lack of realistic tasks online set me off. And after sounding off to the hubs, I’m sounding off here to the internet. To anyone who cares enough to listen. I’m here to tell you about the less pretty side of depression. I’m here to tell you about every thought, every moment of fear from my family. It’s time to end the stigma and put it all out there.

I recently (about a month ago) shaved my head. I left some stubble on there, but I shaved my head. Why? One less thing to take care of. I’d have tangled hair when it was longer. No matter what I did I never felt like it looked good. So the hell with it, bye bye hair.

I don’t wear makeup. Why should I paint a face I hate looking at? When I do try it out, it ends up failing miserably and to me I look like hot trash. No thanks.

I have literally no energy to take a shower. None. Zip, zilch, nada.

With that, I have no energy to maintain any basic hygiene. And I know. Normal people are going to read that and think “ew ..that’s disgusting” trust me. I know. And no worries. I totally call myself that on the daily, so it’s nothing new to me.

Here’s what they don’t tell you may come with your depression. The inability to eat more than a small handful of food. Your family questioning you at every turn because of the lack of food. You literally aren’t hungry enough to eat, or if you are hungry, you have no energy to eat. My favorite thing to tell my therapist: “I hate being a human. I constantly have to eat. It’s annoying. I do it when I want, but I’m still annoyed,” sometimes she’d laugh. Other times she just looked concerned.

Bleeding gums. Yep. I said it. Imagine falling down the abyss that is your mental health and before you know it, two weeks have gone by. You can’t remember the last time you actually brushed your teeth. Nobody glorifies that, but it happens. Oh man does it happen.

The urge to want to get better, but the energy of a dead battery. This one is the best ever *heavy sarcasm*. It’s almost like what I would imagine sleep paralysis, without the scary aspect of it. Healthy you wants to get up out of bed, clean your room, take a shower, and scrub those chompers and whatever else you’ve been neglecting. Not healthy you is literally refusing to move. Healthy you is stuck there until it just gives up. Yep. The best.

I guess the reason this set me off is because it stated on the article itself: helps reduce anxiety, or kicks depression. And it states meditating and exercise in each article. I don’t want to get out of bed but you want me to get up and exercise? You want me to clear my mind and meditate? Ha.

So I think my job now is to find others who are in the same boat as me and brainstorm what things we neglect and build my task app around that, because the way mental health is portrayed and glorified lately pisses me off. There’s still a stigma. STILL. After all these years the normal people want the non-normal people to feel like freaks, to feel isolated. They achieved that with those posts, let me tell you. I have never felt so alone in my life, knowing how I’m neglecting myself then seeing things like that.

One day things will look up. Just have to hold on until then.


The moonlight dances

along your skin

The moonlight dances

along your skin

As you dance along the beams

Taking my breath away

You cant help but laugh

As you catch my lingering gaze

But you will never understand

The beauty that I see

Your eyes a blazing blue

So deep and full of life

Leave me utterly breathless

As I long to vanish in them

Your laugh is contagious

When days are long and tough

I close my eyes and hear it

And suddenly I’m at ease

I want to trace the freckles

That graciously kiss your skin

True beauty belongs to you

If only you would see

The moon light dances

But it cant illuminate your beauty

For you are far more radiant

All on your own.

Come one, come all!

Ladies and gentlemen, gather round!
Shield the eyes of your children,
For my next creature is too terrifying!
This next specimen is the most horrifying,
To be honest, we arent sure how its living.
You see this being has no spine
Nor does it possess a brain,
Nor a heart
But I assure you, it lives!
It amazed us at first as well!
I’ll give you a moment to catch your breath.
Please hold all questions until the end,
For this creature is also cowardly
It does nothing to better itself!
You may even dare to say
This specimen has no voice!
Heartless, spineless, brainless and voiceless
Gasp, I know.
I assure you, once you lay eyes on this being
You will never be the same!
You may wonder why, or how
This poor creature still lives!
As do I, its a wonder for certain!
Without further ado
And for you viewing pleasure,
Please turn your face towards the back
And gaze at the reflection
Of the terrifying monsters
You are.

Next life

In the next life I live,
I will be fearless.
Standing tall and proud
Loving every inch of who I am

For the next me,
I vow to not shed a tear
Over small things in life
That seem to bring me down

I can see me now
Brave, smart, beautiful
Radiating with confidence and kindness
A sparkle held captive in my eye.

The future me will not hesitate
If she wants something,
She will earn it
She will be a wonder to behold

The next me will be so full of love
Her arms will hold warmth
Her kiss will hold the secrets of the universe
She will become the best version of me

I can see her now
Beauty and poise, a wide beaming smile
As much as I admire her
I also envy her.


Have you ever noticed the little things? When she smiles, do you see the twinkle in her eyes?

When she cries, how is she holding herself?

When you put in her favorite movie, does she sing every song?

Have you noticed the little things? Things that may seem insignificant to you?

Remember the dimples in her cheeks,

The way her tears fall,

Remember the warmth of her touch.

What happens when it’s all gone, and you’re alone?

Can you remember her breathing, her soft exhales?

What about how her hair always fell over her eyes.

You remember how you hated that.

Your mind twists, body shifts.

Soon you’ve forgotten her giggles, the way her voice danced in your ears.

You cry as you reach for her, forgetting her scent.

It seems like a wild nightmare, until you wake up.

That’s the one thing you did remember.

How her face looked the day she said


This needs to end.

With the latest regarding the Kavanaugh allegations, I’ve seen comments from men AND women, saying the allegations shouldn’t count because she didn’t report them soon enough. Let me show you what happens when you DO report as it happens.

At a previous job, I had a man whistle at me, followed by a “hey sexy” every time I walked past him. I was taught to tune it out, they give up if you don’t react. So I did. Let me tell you, the boy never gave up. No, instead he came to the said job, went to the back where he saw me working, and cornered me. Terrified, wanting to scream and cry, I swallowed my fear and told him “there’s only one way this will end. My knee is ball level. You will feel pain.”
He laughed and told me he likes a girl that plays hard. I was terrified. All I could do was scream “Get the FUCK away from me!” He backed off because he had heard other people come in the store. He KNEW he’d be caught. He then proceeded to go up to my coworker and tell them that I WAS FUCKING NUTS! That he was just saying hi to his favorite girl.
I went to my boss the next day and filled her in. I told her I REFUSE to be in that situation again, and that I need to be put on morning shifts where there are more than two people at all times. Her reply? “He doesn’t know any better. He thought you were flirting.”

Another job, I was taking care of various paperwork when a guest came up and told me his card wasn’t charged. I told him I could fix it for him and as I leaned over to encode it, I saw him staring down my shirt. I brushed it off as nothing, thinking I was just tired. He was there for four more nights. Every single night, he would come down and his card would be “disabled” and pull the whole, “maybe I’m not doing it right. Why don’t you come upstairs and show me what to do.” When I reported this to my manager and upper managers, they told me there’s not much they can do, and to stay at the desk. I asked if I could wear a sweater to COVER MYSELF UP, ya know, so he DIDN’T HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO LOOK AT MY BOOBS, and they told me I could for one night. That anything more was not considered professional. That man was a guest there for four more nights, and I worked in that area for FOUR MORE NIGHTS. I WAS A FUCKING WRECK. Each night he asked me to come up and show him “how it’s done”.

Or how about the ex I had that would literally HAVE SEX WITH ME while I was asleep. He would beg and beg for sex. Each time I said no. I was not in a good space at the time, and wanted nothing to do with him (long story short I did try to leave but he caught me and threatened to have me locked up in a nut house). He waited until I was asleep and took what he wanted. Yes, you read that correctly. He TOOK what he wanted after I told him NO. How would I know that? I woke up during! I would push him off me, cry, hit, do whatever it took for him to stop. He didn’t stop until he was finished. I WANTED TO DIE. I TOLD HIM NO. He also paid me to have sex with him once the act was finished. But only when I’d say yes. I WENT FROM BEING A GIRLFRIEND TO A GLORIFIED HOOKER. I told my therapist, my one moment of sanity during that fucked up relationship, and he told me to go to the police. MY EX WAS BEST FRIENDS WITH A LOT OF THE COPS. THAT ASSHOLE HAD THEM CONVINCED I WAS INSANE AND LOOKING FOR ATTENTION. None of them took me seriously. NONE. Each time I tried, they always replied: “it could be a misunderstanding”. WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER SAYING “NO I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU”?

Tell me, why is it that people don’t report? We don’t report because NOBODY FUCKING LISTENS. I am STILL in therapy regarding my ex. I REPORTED AND WAS ACCUSED OF BEING MISUNDERSTOOD. So tell me, am I to be discredited? Are all the nightmares I have just…nothing? Because I did report, and my ex is NOT IN PRISON. I did report to managers and I was told I must remain professional, or that he didn’t know any better.

Out with the old

My mom always told me that a clean room makes that room peaceful for you. At the time, I figured she was just saying this to get me to clean my room. I mean come on…that’s what moms do, tie a “benefits you” reason to do a task. I’m guilty of this with my kids.

I was discharged from the program on Friday, and when I got home I noticed I was avoiding my room. I chalked this up to healthy sleep hygiene but learned the real reason later that night.

The moment my head hit the pillow I felt this wave of uneasiness and anger. I was living in a pigstye! Half drank pop bottles riddled the wobbly and crammed TV tray stationed next to the head of my bed. Half packages of whatever snacks I decided to dine on in the wee hours of the morning were thrown haphazardly in between bottles and papers. Ugh. Just thinking about it gives me chills. I looked like a teenager living in a nearly 27-year-old body. No good.

Saturday I decided I had enough. No more filth, it’s time to erase the old. We went to Walmart and devised a plan. I got a stand for those fancy cloth drawers and went from there. I knew my son had an extra nightstand and dresser in his room that he no longer used for the intended purpose. I brought both upstairs and began the grueling task of tidying up.

Each area I kept asking myself, “why? why did I let myself get like this?”. Before I knew it, my room was finally cleared of the garbage and negative energy. My nightstand is cleared and I have a better feeling coming into my room. My diffuser is sitting next to my bed, inviting me into a good nights rest, and my overall attitude has improved greatly.

The clearing of trash felt like I was getting rid of the old me, the me that wallowed in self-pity and decided life is too hard and that naps were the way to go. The same me that would lay awake at night picking myself apart, letting the anxious thoughts consume me. I spent nights laying in the darkness crying, wondering why I couldn’t be _________ enough.

Now I lay in bed with my loving husband and realize I am ________ enough. I am beautiful, I am worthy of loving myself.

If I have any advice for you today, I’d say practice being mindful. Go into a room that makes you uncomfortable and begin changing it!

Remember this: you are worthy, you are _____ enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Much love,


Enough Excuses

Well, I’ve been off for a long time. To those who stuck around, hoping for a new post, I’m sorry. I’m back now if that makes a difference.

I think I should address the elephant in the room: yes, I stopped posting. I blamed it on things like “well I’ve got nothing positive happening, and nobody wants to read about a crappy day” or “I just can’t come up with a topic, nobody wants to read a blog that’s pointless”. Excuses. I’m calling it what it is, pointless excuses. I think I owe it to myself, and really anyone that’s out there reading this, the truth of the situation.

The reason I stopped posting is that I was withdrawing from the world around me. I didn’t think anyone would understand what I was feeling, hell half of the time even I couldn’t understand what I was feeling. The only thing I knew was just that; I was feeling some emotion, and it wasn’t a pleasant one. These emotions started causing me to stop doing things. First, it hit my writing (hence the hiatus), then it was the reading, then it hit me at work. That’s when everything started snowballing out of control. Tears would fall, meals would be missed, friends would be ignored. I was falling into myself with no signs of wanting to stop.

I decided enough was enough when I had a panic attack at work, all because I allowed my thoughts to get the better of me. I addressed an issue with my boss, we came up with a plan to fix said issue, and my co-workers retaliated. They were very passive-aggressive with their retaliation, but I picked up on the irritation, and suddenly my emotions got carried away and carried me to the parking lot out to my vehicle. The only thought I had was “GO! DRIVE AWAY RIGHT NOW AND DON’T LOOK BACK!” – lucky for me I left my keys in the office. I knew at that moment there was a problem, that if it was left unattended would spiral into so much worse. A friend came over and informed me of a program that I would benefit from, and I took the steps to get into it.

I’m not writing this looking for pity, nor am I writing this to make up an excuse. The truth of it is I learned some of the most important lessons that I could have ever learned. The point of this blog, at least in the beginning, was to share my lessons with anyone who stumbled upon an entry.

I learned many lessons so far, such as mental illness is a very real thing, and can be very frightening if left unnoticed and untreated.

Just because you have a mental illness does not mean it defines you. I suffer from severe depression with “anxious thoughts”, previously diagnosed as “generalized” anxiety disorder.  My personality consists of tendencies of withdrawing, paranoid and distrusting thoughts, and self-doubt. This is where the next lesson ties in, and I cannot possibly stress this one enough. These illnesses and traits DO NOT DEFINE ME. These are merely things that I have to learn to combat through healthy coping skills.

The third bit, and this has to be the most important; YOU MATTER. Work is tearing you apart, your husband is allowing the kids to tear around the house like animals, which makes you realize “my kids are animals”, and you feel like you’re about to snap, well that means it’s past time. It’s time to put you first, it’s time to learn healthy coping skills and use them, it’s time to start structuring yourself, simple things. At the end of the day, regardless if you are having a bad day or not, the world is marching on. You need to march on too. Let go of the bad, teach yourself good things, and remember YOU MATTER.

That’s the truth. I’ll be starting to schedule my posts more regularly, and I will try to stick to that schedule.
For those that stuck around, thank you. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t want to believe in myself.
For those of you that are going through mental illness, you are not alone. Even if you feel like you are you aren’t. If anything, leave a comment or find a way to message me, I will listen. I believe in you.

Take time to learn something new today, but don’t forget the most important thing, love yourself.

XOXO – Courtie.

Random acts part I

With the world being it’s usual shitty and depressing self, I’ve decided to make little changes in a person’s day to make it better. But I’m not doing this everyday, as much as I want to, I just can’t.

I’ll be scoping out people around me, and even monitoring my Facebook for people. I’ll start off small, coworkers, past managers, anyone I can see that really needs a pick me up. Once I find that person, the game begins. I’ll figure out what I can do to make their day, even if it’s just THAT day, a better one.

I think I’ll log each journey and reaction so other people can be inspired to do the same thing. Let’s make this a happy year, and give back to the people who need it most. ❤️


These little things practically run your life. Get up for work, brush your teeth, get dressed, start your car, leave the house, and so on. Without routines, you’re a hectic person with no idea of what is going on.

About a week ago, I had a sudden burst of “become a better person” that was running through my head. In my last post, I stated that I’m now signed up for a certificate program through a community college, but I didn’t stop there.

That night I jumped in the soul sucking, false reality inducing app that is Pinterest (honestly though, I love this app…but it sucks me in every time) and started looking up workouts. The workout search turned into yoga poses, which led to meditation searches, and suddenly I have a folder on my phone named “healthy you”. I sat back and started thinking, “how can I make sure that I do this every day? I need some sort of routine“. I probably shouldn’t have been making promises to myself that I may or may not live up to, but I did, and here we are.

The notebook page is sitting on my nightstand, and the first line is wake up at 5:30 am. Whoa, past me. I know you want to do good but 5:30?! That’s prime pillow time for me.

The next line is to wash my face. Which I don’t mind, however, expecting me, barely awake at 5:30 am to handle liquid soap on the same area as my eyes is a bad idea.

Next is yoga, and honestly this is my favorite one. There’s the right amount of burn, and only 7 minutes needed.

Somewhere along the line I have to hydrate…and water and I don’t mix. So I’ve opted for a glass of water instead of a bottle.

After hydration, I have a short workout to do, which honestly isn’t too bad. I push through every push up, nearly cry during the crunches, and jiggle my way through the jumping jacks.

More hydration happens when I’m able to pull myself off the floor. So much for washing my face this morning, since now it’s currently covered in sweat and tears.

Breakfast time, I suppose. The problem with this, I don’t eat in the morning. Every time I do, I end up feeling really sick. I choke down some scrambled eggs and maybe a little toast.

Journal time, or in this case, finishing up the blog post. In the future, I’ll probably use some prompts from the soul sucking app so I can do better at posting on this. Sorry blog…you’ve been abandoned in the past, but I can do better.

Finally it’s time for coffee. Now I love coffee as much as the next person, so going from 5:30 to probably 6:30 is super hard. I have to learn to force myself to wake up AND get motivated to move around? Come on…….just a little sip…..

Sure, I poke fun at this routine. Heck there have been days where I wake up facing the notepad, then turn over like it’s not even there. I know there are things I need to work on, and this routine will start showing it’s benefits. I just have to look at it with an open mind…and half open sleepy eyes.

Until I get to that point, I’ll be at my kitchen table, poking fun at the thing and browsing pinterest while wondering why I feel so crappy. One day I’ll learn!