I’ve been debating back and forth about posting this. But I guess now is the time.
Boy oh boy. Hang on to your pants, this is about to get real.
On break at work I decided to find daily habits to help guide me out of my…let’s just say funk.
Let’s rewind for a moment. I’ve been back sliding since seeking help with depression and anxiety last year around June.
When I say depression and anxiety, I’m not talking things that are cured with meditating, or waking up fucking ealry and going to exercise. To me, those are things that come after the wave has knocked me down and nearly drowned me. Those are my “recovery” things I guess.
To me, depression is forgetting to eat, forgetting to shower, forgetting to brush my teeth. Basically, I’m in such a low state that I don’t care about myself. I don’t have the care or energy to take care of myself. For me, THATS depression. Then comes the anxiety: “what do people think of someone who doesn’t care enough to take care of themselves” or “what if people think I have an eating disorder because I can’t be bothered to eat”. That’s the bitch. Not caring about yourself, yet caring how others perceive you. You care so much about it that your chest feels tight and you are on the edge of breaking down.
Okay, present time now. On break I decided to go to Pinterest for daily habits to add to my kick ass task app. I was looking for simple things, things that I may over look when funk status has been smacked upon me.
Do you know what I found? 100% completely unrealistic tasks for your every day. Such as:
Wake up early.
Okay, so many would question “what’s so wrong about that, those seem like things that would help you”. Let me explain a day during my depressive episode, and you’ll see the reason I call bullshit.
Midnight: still awake. Can’t shut my brain off long enough to fall asleep. Watch YouTube to distract brain.
3am: still awake, been half ass laughing at videos, crying at some. Hubs is going to wake up soon, maybe I should try to sleep.
3:30-4:00: finally fall asleep.
7:30: awake. Coffee, cigarette, repeat.
4:00 wake up, spend some time with family.
9:00: watch YouTube til hubs falls asleep, repeat cycle.
Now. What are three things you notice I didn’t mention? Eating. Basic hygiene. Changing from pajamas. This is my life during a depressive spin. I do not care about myself during this time to be a human.
So obviously, this lack of realistic tasks online set me off. And after sounding off to the hubs, I’m sounding off here to the internet. To anyone who cares enough to listen. I’m here to tell you about the less pretty side of depression. I’m here to tell you about every thought, every moment of fear from my family. It’s time to end the stigma and put it all out there.
I recently (about a month ago) shaved my head. I left some stubble on there, but I shaved my head. Why? One less thing to take care of. I’d have tangled hair when it was longer. No matter what I did I never felt like it looked good. So the hell with it, bye bye hair.
I don’t wear makeup. Why should I paint a face I hate looking at? When I do try it out, it ends up failing miserably and to me I look like hot trash. No thanks.
I have literally no energy to take a shower. None. Zip, zilch, nada.
With that, I have no energy to maintain any basic hygiene. And I know. Normal people are going to read that and think “ew ..that’s disgusting” trust me. I know. And no worries. I totally call myself that on the daily, so it’s nothing new to me.
Here’s what they don’t tell you may come with your depression. The inability to eat more than a small handful of food. Your family questioning you at every turn because of the lack of food. You literally aren’t hungry enough to eat, or if you are hungry, you have no energy to eat. My favorite thing to tell my therapist: “I hate being a human. I constantly have to eat. It’s annoying. I do it when I want, but I’m still annoyed,” sometimes she’d laugh. Other times she just looked concerned.
Bleeding gums. Yep. I said it. Imagine falling down the abyss that is your mental health and before you know it, two weeks have gone by. You can’t remember the last time you actually brushed your teeth. Nobody glorifies that, but it happens. Oh man does it happen.
The urge to want to get better, but the energy of a dead battery. This one is the best ever *heavy sarcasm*. It’s almost like what I would imagine sleep paralysis, without the scary aspect of it. Healthy you wants to get up out of bed, clean your room, take a shower, and scrub those chompers and whatever else you’ve been neglecting. Not healthy you is literally refusing to move. Healthy you is stuck there until it just gives up. Yep. The best.
I guess the reason this set me off is because it stated on the article itself: helps reduce anxiety, or kicks depression. And it states meditating and exercise in each article. I don’t want to get out of bed but you want me to get up and exercise? You want me to clear my mind and meditate? Ha.
So I think my job now is to find others who are in the same boat as me and brainstorm what things we neglect and build my task app around that, because the way mental health is portrayed and glorified lately pisses me off. There’s still a stigma. STILL. After all these years the normal people want the non-normal people to feel like freaks, to feel isolated. They achieved that with those posts, let me tell you. I have never felt so alone in my life, knowing how I’m neglecting myself then seeing things like that.
One day things will look up. Just have to hold on until then.